Whether you’re single or locked down, there have probably been times you wish you were the opposite. Because the grass is constantly greener, and even the most joyful parts of couples miss the fervor of dating and the personal time of singlehood, and even the most independent lone wolf can see the value of having somebody around to play out the Heimlich if required.
So in case we’re being honest, each side of the coin has its pros and its cons…
1. Dates when you’re single:
What’s so great about the starting of dating are all the possibilities. Sure, they might be a psychopath, but they might also be absolutely pant-wettingly sarcastic. They might have great, twinkly eyes. They might already own a Siberian kitten, saving you a few hundred pounds and a month of litter training. And if it goes wrong? You’ve got your own, independent life to return.
Dates when you’re in a relationship:
Dating when you’re in a relationship might not be so exciting but it is sure as hell too easier. Why pay for the movies when you can watch that new movie at home? You can stop being prissy and order that big fuck-off burger you’ve had your eye on for days. You can kiss on the sofa wearing sweat pants and a jumper, not your hold-everything-in-pants and fuck-me dress.
2. Personal grooming when you’re single:
As much as we’d probably love to do otherwise, we just can’t help putting forward the very best of ourselves when we’re single or dating. For a lot of us that means we’re tanned, plucked, waxed, shaved, filed, coiffed, made-up and tanned to within an inch of our lives.
Personal grooming when you’re in a relationship:
Personal grooming is costly. It’s painful. And it’s hell lot of boring. Call me insane, but I don’t class a fun Sunday as one that involves me on all fours, butt-naked in front of a beautician for the ‘back bit’.
3. Stalking when you’re single:
At the single stage, stalking revolves around two types of people: The Ex , The Competition . So, you find his Facebook profile. But wait. Who the PISS is that girl in his profile picture? Who is the boy that keeps posting cat photos and videos on her wall? And suddenly it’s 3am and you’re 156 profile pictures deep on their sister’s boyfriend’s mum’s account.
Stalking when you’re in a relationship:
If you’re still checking your partner’s profile a few months or more into the relationship, you people have got some trust issues. Stay away from their newsfeed. Ask IN PERSON about that receptionist at their office with tits bigger than her head. Or that new personal trainer with pecs bigger than your head.
4. Drama when you’re single:
I had a friend who was dating eight guys at once? That was drama times eight. Well, around the same time, I had a moment of picking between two guys. Drama time two, but somehow it still felt like drama times eight. It contains screaming in public, apologies, but also, you’re welcome for the entertainment.
Drama when you’re in a relationship:
“WHY IS THE SHOWER DRAIN BLOCKED AGAIN?”
“HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO BURN A FUCKING PANCAKE?”
“COULD YOU SNORE ANY LOUDER?”
5. Sex when you’re single:
So this is a laughable one. Because sex when you’re single is dependent on one of two parts. Either you’re looking for a lifetime partner who, to quote the late, great Alan Rickman in “Love Actually”, you want to have ‘lots of sex and babies with’. Or you’re going for a good, old-fashioned fuck.
Sex life when you’re in a relationship:
Here’s the fact. Sex at the beginning of a relationship is like easter eggs in February. Egg metaphors aside, here’s my view on sex in a relationship: it might not be as regular as you think is “right,” but it’s still awesome. You know what you both love and don’t love. You’re relaxed, and passionate, and generous. And a cheeky little fanny fart afterwards is funny, not mortifying.
6. Conversations when you’re single:
Single people should be able to put themselves into one of the two following parts when it comes to how they talk with the person they’re in the early stages of dating. You either give them a filtered view of things; an Instagram account version of your life, if you will. Or, you down your drink and cut to the chase.
Conversations when you’re in a relationship:
Conversations in a relationship like more swearing and less polite nods at shit jokes. It’s total honesty at all times. There is no metaphorical Instagram tool best enough to hide the real you once you’re in a relationship. That shit is permanently #nofilter.
7. Love when you’re single:
You get to focus on yourself. You also get concentrate on your friendships, and your career, and the never-ending quest to bump into Jon Kortajarena in a situation that allows you to touch his hair. And there is also no one to give you shit for blocking up the shower drain.
Love when you’re in a relationship:
Few People always say that relationships means sacrifice. But real fact is that, nothing really needs to be sacrificed if the relationship is a healthy. And anything that is sacrificed only goes because it can be replaced with something even better. Good love for another person is no better or no worse that good love for yourself. It’s just different.