A guide for non-Scottish girlfriends, husbands, wives, boyfriends, and fuck-buds.
We’ll roast you constantly
This just means we like you, honest.
And we’re cheeky as hell, too
Don’t worry, you’ll learn to love us in spite of this.
We’ll feed you things that will baffle, challenge, delight, and confuse you
Sometimes all at the same time.
We’re incredibly direct and to the point
So if you go on a date with us and we like you, we’ll probably make it clear.
And we’re even more direct in the bedroom
We’re a saucy, earthy, rude, and sexy bunch. So fasten your seatbelts, you’re in for the ride of your life. Just let us finish this haggis tikka masala first.
We’re programmed to start drinking at certain times
If you question this, we’ll usually say, “but that’s just what you do.”
E.g. “Why are you getting shit-your-pants drunk on the train?”
“Because that’s just what you do.”
You probably won’t be able to understand us, at least at first.
This will cause a lot of confusion, especially when we’re trying to fire into you. “Gies a winch.” “I’m sorry, I don’t have any specialist lifting equipment to hand.”
But even if you don’t understand what we’re saying, our accent will get you pregnant.
Even if you’re a man. We’re just that sexy.
We’ll make you go to things called “ceilidhs”.
These are hot, exhausting dances that are fairly baffling to outsiders, or anyone who doesn’t speak the lingo, so we’ll naturally take you to one on a date.
Oh, and our idea of a fun day trip is to climb up a fucking mountain or some shit
“Hey, do you want to hang out on Saturday?”
“Sure! Netflix and chill?”
“No, Ben Nevis and nearly die.”
Our idea of what counts as “beach weather” might not really match yours, either
It’s a Scottish tradition to go to the beach in March, huddle under a tarpaulin, and pretend to be having a good time. Sorry in advance.
We’ll get annoyed with you for the weirdest reasons
Like calling it a potato scone instead of a tattie scone. Top tip: Keep a notebook handy at all times so you can keep track of the things you shouldn’t say.